Self-Sabotage.

Why do I always do this to myself? Just when things seem to be going good, I pull the rug out from under me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of success–so I pile on an insurmountable load of work onto my shoulders–or because I’m just a glutton for punishment.

Either way, I’ve made the decision to dedicate myself to the life of a student. I’m killing myself for no reason, and fracturing my focus between far too many disparate goals.

It’s going to be hard to face the facts when I talk to my supervisors on Monday, but this is no way for anyone to live.

I need to own up to my one responsibility now: finishing school. Everything else can wait.

I need to rediscover who I used to be. The girl who craved the company of books, who wasn’t running 24/7. I used to spend every lunch hour in high school just reading, reading, reading. The best company was that of books.

I want to find that girl again, that girl I used to be. There is nothing wrong with being close to people, but people inevitably disappoint and hurt us.

I remember one day, long ago in high school, I ditched the bus and spent all day in a playground reading the final book in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. After I read the last line I closed the book and cried. I cried because I was moved, I cried because I was scared to go to school, I cried because I was awed at what the human mind can produce when motivated.

I need to find that girl again, the one who loved books and not people. The one who cried everyday when she got home because she didn’t think about Allah for one second that day, and curled up with the Quran and read until the pain dulled. The girl who couldn’t sleep until she read the Quran and prayed with all her heart because it was all she had.

I was miserable in high school, but the one thing I knew was that there was only one way out: through the remembrance of God. Nothing else.

When things ameliorated for me and my family, I slowly became cocky and arrogant. I wasn’t alone anymore, I wasn’t miserable anymore. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by other Muslims in college. I slowly lost my connection to seeking solitude, and refuge in the remembrance of God and solace through prayer. My actions migrated from the inward to the outward, because for the first time in my life, my outward life was something I actually looked forward to.

Insha Allah I will find that balance. The balance between my inner spiritual life and my outward life. I can’t cultivate the outside without focusing on the inside.

I know that girl is in here somewhere. I’m gonna find her, insha Allah. She’ll step out into the sunlight, smile, sigh contentedly and murmur, “Well, I’m back.”

Then she’ll pick up a book, curl up, and rediscover the true meaning of solitude.

Hold On.

7068. ‘Abdullah ibn Abi ‘Amra was heard to say that he heard Abu Hurayra say that he heard the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, “Someone did (or committed) a wrong action and said, ‘O Lord, I have sinned (or committed), so forgive me!’ His Lord said, ‘Does My slave acknowledge that he has a Lord who forgives wrong action and punishes for it? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then he remained for as long as Allah wished and then again committed (or did) a wrong action and said, ‘O Lord, I have sinned (or committed) again, forgive it.’ He said, ‘Does My slave acknowledge that he has a Lord who forgives wrong action and punishes for it? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then he remained for as long as Allah wished and then committed a wrong action and said, ‘O Lord, I have committed (or done) another wrong action, so forgive me.’ Allah said, ‘Does My slave acknowledge that he has a Lord who forgives wrong action and punishes for it? I have forgiven My slave,’ three times, ’so let him do what he likes.’” Sahih al Bukhari Book of Tauheed

HAITI.

We know what to do. We’ve all receive the emails, links, tweets, facebook events, shoutouts, the whole 9 yards. Now is the time to act. Donate money, clothing, food, hygiene items to all the organizations out there that you know are helping right now. The world is dangerous not because of evil people, but people like us who sit back and do nothing.

How Do I Stay Motivated?

I wanted to share a few techniques I use to stay motivated to work out:

• Know that no matter what you do, no matter how much you ate last night…putting one foot in front of the other is better than nothing at all.

• There’s never time. For anything. Everyone is tired, everyone is stressed. Making excuses will not get you fit. Just put your shoes on and get out the door. Once you hit the pavement, track, or treadmill, all those excuses will fade away insha Allah.

• Read articles and statistics on the obesity epidemic. And then get out the door as fast as you can.

• Being fit is Sunnah! Read the narration of Um Mu’bad on the physical characteristics of our beloved Prophet, peace be upon him, recorded by At-Tabarani: “I saw a very handsome, very good looking man, and his face was glowing and a good proportion. He didn’t have any defects of the stomach…

• Read the hadith! “No human ever filled a vessel worse than the stomach. Sufficient for any son of Adam are some morsels to keep his back straight. But if it must be, then one third for his food, one third for his drink and one third for his breath.” Ahmad, At-Tirmidhi, An-Nasaa’I, Ibn Majah – Hadith sahih

• “The best generation is my generation, followed by the one after them then the one after them. Then will come a people who bear witness but are not asked to bear witness, who swear oaths but do not fulfill them and fatness will appear among them.” Bukhari and Muslim

• Sit down and make a list. Don’t say, “I want.” Write, “I am.” “I am fit and have the energy to wake up in the morning to worship God.” “I am fit and I’m a good role model for my kids.” “I am fit and I expect the same from my future spouse/current spouse.” “I am fit and I can wear whatever I want.” “I am fit and I look forward to walking into the fitting room.”

• Wear nice clothes when you workout. You don’t need to look like a scrub. It helps to have your workout clothes laid out the day or night before so it eliminates the excuse of not having anything to wear to workout in.

• Keep your workout clothes and shoes in your car.

• Wear outfits that can double as work or schoolwear. After work, switch out your shoes or shirt/hijab and you’re good to go, instead of having to change into an entirely different outfit. Just make sure you workout AFTER, not before!

• No matter how your day is going, when you workout, you can feel proud of one good thing you did that day! And nothing can take that away.

-RM

One More Day of Freedom

I have one more day of freedom remaining before school begins. Al-Maghrib exam tomorrow!

Today I worked out for an hour and some change. I walked/ran 30 minutes around the indoor track, and then did another 30 minutes on the treadmill. I finished up with dips and chin-ups on the Gravitron.

Stereotypes: Eastern Girls vs. Western Girls

In the last few days, I’ve come across some pretty one-sided articles purporting the supposed East vs. West dichotomy among Muslim women. The overwhelming attitude seems to be this:

Western Muslim women:

• domineering
• man-hating
• can’t cook
• anti-domestic
• too focused on career
• ‘hos

Eastern Muslim women

• submissive
• shy
• great cooks
• domesticated
• family-oriented
• angels

Just…what?

Has it ever occurred to anyone that all of us women, regardless of which religion, race, or creed we come from, are the combined total of our life experiences? And that regardless of where we grew up or come from, be it “East” or “West” (and even this differentiation is subject to debate) we all have unique characteristics and values?

We’ve heard the song and dance before: “Oh, Muslim girls here are too wild, we need to go back home and find us a nice, ‘gaow-wali/village’ girl.”

But that’s all it is, a song and dance. And I think people repeat this just to repeat it, because it’s catchy and it’s what they’ve heard, and it’s what everyone is saying. But honestly, I don’t think anyone, Muslim man or woman, really believes it.

Just today, I had a delightful lunch with a friend of mine and her lovely co-worker, who I met recently at an office party where my friend works. All three of us (I feel safe to include myself in this group ) are educated, intelligent, and gainfully employed…and guess what we talked about? COOKING! It started with my Mediterranean Veggie sandwich, and from there escalated into an exchanged of recipes, the similarities between Columbian, Arab and Indo-Pak cooking, and the power of knowing exactly what you’re eating and how it was prepared.

Not a single one of us felt like we were discussing an inferiority-inducing topic, or that a village fairy would descend from on-high and with a touch of her magic wand banish us to some fictional village where we would be chained to a tandoori oven.

It’s funny, but so many of these articles I read focus so much on MEN do this and WOMEN do that…doesn’t anyone remember we’re all people, too?

There is an amazing vidder out there, named Lim. She made an amazing video, called Us. It put whatever is coming out of these cutting-edge studios to shame. Someone commented and said, This is fantastic. Which company do you work for? She quite succinctly replied, I’m a housewife.

It’s unjust to box Eastern Muslim women into this category of submissive, shy doormats whose only existence is to serve her man and keep her mouth shut.  It’s unjust to box Western Muslim women into this category of loud, overtaking, domineering you-know-whats who hate men and hate anything to do with domesticity and spit on babies and tea-cozys alike. I’ve noticed so many Muslims here in the ‘States and abroad, men AND women, have this attitude and it simply isn’t true.

Every Muslim woman I meet is a complete, multi-faceted creature unto herself. We’re all struggling to be good Muslims, insha Allah, and it’s unfair to try to box us into a single category and call it the truth. It’s not.

***

In other news, I walked and ran almost 4 miles today. Feel grrrrreat. That, my friends, is what’s up.

Happiest Place on Earth.

…or so they say. Just got home. My dogs ‘r tired. Good night!

Roti and Dhaaga.

Just had me some Bread and Thread.

Kulfi.

Today was cold enough–as the Desi people say–to turn your blood to kulfi, an otherwise delicious frozen treat made from milk, sugar and natural flavorings like coconut, mango, pistachio, strawberries, etc. In this context it means, “It’s cold like nobody’s business, yo!”

After staying awake post-Fajr, I was crazy enough to brave the freezing cold and head to the UCF gym at 8 AM. To my utter sadness, the gym was not opening until 11 AM.

I headed to the virtually deserted student union to thaw out, and struck up a random and delightful conversation with one of the employees workin’ on the second floor. She saw me peering at the closed computer lab, and with a smile said, “Sorry, everything is closed.” From there we stumbled from polite conversation about the weather, to the similarities between Desi and Puerto Rican cookin’, to the etymology of language, to the quirks of her son before and after he was born, to the correlation between spices and prevention of memory loss. It was…one of those little moments that only happen in the morning. I think we talked for a good half an hour, just with me standing on the stairs of the second floor while she leaned over the banister.

I decided to drop by work and take care o’ some bidness, then puttered around in the library for a bit, and by the time I was done it was  5 minutes to 11 AM.

I headed to the now open gym, and walked/jogged about a 2 mile loop around the indoor track, (took me about 30 minutes) followed by some sets on the Gravitron, my favorite machine ever.

Just got back from spending a few hours with my Nani and Nana…which was interesting

Seerah Path review session tonight! Woohoo.

Frozen Toes.

Decided to knock off an item from my list. I braved the freezing cold Florida weather (“freezing cold” and “Florida” should never be in the same sentence) and went for a walk/jog outside. I told myself I would walk, but my toes started to numb after one loop so I ran the second. Traced my route, I did about .7 of a mile today. Meh. Didn’t feel like much. I would’ve done more but I couldn’t feel my face anymore and I felt like I was inhaling ice. Came back inside, did some 8 Minute Abs (hello abs, I’ve neglected y’all!) and now, salmon curry.

I tried making mac n’ cheese today, but underestimated the amount of cheese I would need. Too much macaroni, not enough cheese = very uncheesy mac n’ cheese. Or Kraft Dinner, for you Canadians.